1
Treasure Hunters
 Bill and Tom had rented a Boat and Scuba gear to seek treasure off
the coast of the Carolinas. They had been diving all day in various locations
with little success. It was beginning to get late when they happened
upon an old chest on the bottom. The chest was too heavy for them to raise,
so they decided to come back the next day and bring tools to open it .
While on the boat, they looked around and realized they were several miles
off shore, when Bill said " Tom we need to somehow mark this spot, or
we might not be able to find it again tomorrow!". Well Tom, not being very bright,
took a can of black paint and painted a big "X" on the floor of the boat.
Bill, absolutely dumbfounded, said, "Tom, I can't believe you did that,
what if we can't get this boat tomorrow!"

Definition:

-BOAT-
Break Out Another Thousand

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2
Fearless Captain
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew
were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became
frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red
shirt!"

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the
captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.
Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were
repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate
vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the
captain calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The battle was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled
both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.
Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night
recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain
and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the
battle?"

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give,
exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the
wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat
in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were
pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The
men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command.

The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"

Definition:

-Boom-
1). Laterally mounted pole to which a sail is fastened. Often used
during jibing, to shift crew members to a fixed, horizontal position.
2). Called boom for sound that's made, when hitting the heads of crew, while tacking.

3
Pirate Joke
 A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and they take
 turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's
 peg-leg, hook, and eye patch The sailor asks "So, how did you end
 up with the peg-leg?"
 
 The pirate replies "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape
 and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin'
 me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg
 off".
 
 "Blimey!" said the sailor. "What about the hook"?
 
 "Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a trader ship,
 pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the
 fracas me hand got chopped off."
 
 "Zounds!" remarked the sailor. "And how came ye by the eye
 patch"?
 
 "A seagull droppin' fell into me eye", answered the pirate.
 
 "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked
 incredulously.
 
 "Well..." said the pirate, "..it was me first day with the hook."

Definition:

-Crew-
 Stationary objects onboard that take up valuable space, anchor cushions
and dampen sudden movements of the boom.

4
What a life
 The American businessman was at the pier of a small South Pacific
 Island village when a small fishing vessel, with just one fisherman,
 docked. Inside the hold of the small boat were several large grouper.
 The American complimented the Islander on the quality of his fish and
 asked how long it took to catch them.
 
 The Islander replied, "Only a little while."
 
 The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more
 fish?
 
 The Islander said he had enough to support his family's immediate
 needs. The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of
 your time?"
 
 The fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my
 children, take a late afternoon nap with my wife Helia, stroll into
 the village each evening, where I sip rum and play guitar with my
 friends, I have a full and busy life."
 
 The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You
 should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger
 boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several
 boats, eventually you could have a fleet of your own fishing boats.
 Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you could sell directly
 to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would
 control the product, processing and distribution.
 You could then leave this small fishing village and move to
 Australia, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your
 expanding enterprise."
 
 The South Seas fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?"
 To which the American replied, "15-20 years."
 
 "But what then?"
 
 The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is
 right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the
 public and become very rich, you would make millions."
 
 "Millions, really? Then what?"
 
 The American said, "You could then retire, and move to a small fishing
 village where you could sleep late, fish a little, play with your
 kids, take a late afternoon nap with your wife, stroll to the village
 in the evenings, and sip rum and play your guitar with your friends." 

Definition:

-Jack Lines-
"Hey baby, want to go sailing?"

5
Three Wishes
There were three men out sailing, when it began to storm. Their boat
was wrecked by the storm, and washed up on a deserted Island. They
started to walk along the beach and found a bottle. They picked it up
and began rubbing the sand off, when all of a sudden, a genie popped
out. The Genie said "Since you have released me from the bottle, I
will grant each of you one wish."

The first man said, "I really miss my wife and grandchildren. I wish
I were back home." Poof! He was gone.

The second man said, "This is great! I wish I were in Hawaii on the
beach, with a good hot meal to eat." Poof! He was gone, too!

The third man looked around and said, "You know, it's lonely around
here, I really miss those guys."

Definition:

-Sailing-
 The fine art of  moving slowly at great expense.

Captain Chaos
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6
Price of Pirates Piercing
 How much does it cost for a pirate to pierce his
 ears?................ A Buccaneer!!!

Definition:

-Tack-
A maneuver the skipper uses when telling the crew that they had
screwed up, without making them mad.

7
The Pirate Parrot's Peril
 So there's this Pirate with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a
 sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight
 without repeating himself. Trouble is, the pirate who owns him is a
 quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him
 crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by
 the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this
 just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then he gets
 mad and says, "I've had enough of you." and locks the bird in a
 cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches,
 and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a
 stream of invective that would make a veteran pirate blush. At that
 point, he is so mad that he throws the Parrot into the freezer. For
 the first few seconds there is a terrible ruckus. The bird kicks and
 claws and squawks to no avail. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet. At
 first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird
 may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried
 that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the
 man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I
 gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on. By
 the way, what did the chicken do?"

Definition:

-Yawl-
A southern sailboat

8
Soup of the Day
 There was an old sea side restaurant that advertised, that if a person could eat
 their soup of the day and one oyster, the restaurant would award that
person by giving them fifty dollars... A man went into the restaurant and asked, "what is
the soup of the day? The owner said "it is Clam Chowder". "Clam Chowder"
exclaimed the man, "I love Clam Chowder... and Oysters! This is going
to be a cinch." The man asked for the Chowder first. He knew that if he
 could eat the Chowder, he could easily down one single Oyster. So the owner
brought him a big bowl... did I say big??? I mean a huge bowl of the Clam Chowder. 
The man took a bite and thought " This must be some of the best Clam Chowder
I've ever eaten", and he continuedto eat until he ate every bit and morsel.
He then said to the owner, "I'm pretty full, but I think I still have room for
one oyster." which the owner brought out to him. This was no ordinary oyster,
it had to be the mother of all oysters, I am talking tennis ball size.
The man gawked at it for a second,  then proceeded to swallowed it down...
He did so without even batting an eye. "Well," the man said to the owner,
rather stuffed, "Looks like I won your fifty bucks." The owner said, "
I guess you're right... and you should be very proud... you are the first person to
keep 'that' particular Oyster down today!"  

Definition:

-Sailing Bug-
A creature that chews through one's back pocket, then through one's
wallet,  then bites first available skin.

9
News Flash
News Flash: A ship carrying a cargo of red paint has collided with a
ship carrying a cargo of purple paint. Last radio contact confirmed
that both crews were marooned.

Definition:

-Course-
A charted direction a proud skipper plans to follow... until wind and
current prove him wrong.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the
sailor turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes
arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women,
too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Hmmm" said the sailor, "This newspaper article claims that the Pope has it!

Definition:

-Kicker-
What you do to your outboard when she won't start when approaching the dock.

Definition:

-Clew-
an indication from the skipper as to what his next brilliant idea might be.

11
One for the Road
 A thirsty sailor runs from his boat to the nearest bar and shouts to
 the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!"
 The bartender pours out the shots, and the sailor drinks them as fast
 as he can.
 The bartender is very impressed and exclaims, "Wow. I never saw
 anybody drink that fast."
 The sailor replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too, if you had what
 I have."
 The bartender asks, "Oh...! What do you have ?"
 "Only fifty cents !!!"

A Thought:

How much deeper would the oceans be if they didn't have sponges in them?

12
Buster Died
 Buster died, so Susan went to the local paper to put a notice in the
 obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his
 condolences, asked Susan what she would like to say about Buster.
 
 Susan replied, "Just write, 'Buster died.'"
 
 The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Buster
 died?'
 
 Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Buster.
 If it's money you're concerned about, the first five words are free.
 We really should say something more."
 
 So Susan pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K., then
 Write, 'Buster died. Sailboat for sale.'"

Three couples rented a sailboat for the weekend at a total cost
of $300.00... Each couple chipped in $100.00 a piece to cover
the cost of the boat. As they were getting ready to make way, a dock
hand flagged them down to say, "the owner of this boat has decided to
give you back $50.00 in hopes to entice you to come back on another
occasion." he proceeded to hand them 5- $10.00 bills, when the couples
realized, there wasn't an easy way to divide 5- $10 bills equally
between the three. So they gave the dock hand a $20.00 tip and
then divided the remaining 3- $10 bills between the three couples.

If they each paid $100.00 apiece originally for the boat rental, and
received $10.00 back. Then in essence they paid $90.00 for the boat.

$90 (The amount each couple paid) x 3 (The amount of couples) = $270 +
$20 (The tip they gave the dock hand) = $290.

Where did the other $10 go?

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14
Settle Up
A rich tourist entered the office of a marina on a small Caribbean Island.

Times were tough on this little island and money was hard to come by.
The Marina owner became excited because he thought, finally he might
have a paying customer.

The tourist layed $300 on the counter and said to the owner that he was interested
in renting a sailboat for the day. The owner told the tourist the location of the
slips where he could find his rentals, and then mentioned that he should walk down to
the boats and inspect each one to see if there were one that he might be interested
in renting.

Once the tourist left the office the marina owner took the $300 and scampered next
door to the seafood store to pay his debt to the owner of the store.

The store owner then took the $300 and ran to pay his debt to the shrimper who had
just docked to collect what he was owed from the store owner.

The shrimper then scurried off with his recently acquired $300 to the bar, next to the
seafood store, where he happens upon the prostitute who he owed $300 for services
rendered. She eyed the money and proceeded to collect it from him.

The prostitute, who was an avid sailor, then ran to the marina office and paid the owner
the $300 that she owed him for that month's slip fee.

The marina owner then quickly layed the $300 back on the counter.

At that moment, the rich tourist walked in after inspecting the boats, he takes
his $300 and puts it back in his bill fold, telling the owner that he didn't
find one to his liking. He then leaves the office suspecting nothing.

No one earned anything, however, the local islanders were now without debt,
and looks to the future with much optimism.

15
Waste Not, Want Not
A lawyer, a carpenter, and a crusty old sailor went into a bar and
ordered a beer. They each found a fly swimming around in their drink. The lawyer
said, "hey bartender, I have a fly in my beer. Bring me another one
or I'll sue ya." The carpenter looked into his beer, found the fly,
picked it out, then continued drinking. The old sailor looked
in his beer, saw the fly, grabbed it by the wings, shook it over the
glass and yelled, "Spit it out, Spit it out!"

16
Old Ships and their Cannons
In earlier times, ships had cannons mounted on board to protect them from
attack.. These cannons required iron cannonballs that needed to be stored in such
a way, as they could be used instantly in case of attack. The problem with round
cannonballs was, they tended to roll around on the deck if not stored properly.
The solution to this problem was to stack them in pyramid shapes close to the
cannon, these stacks were usually four levels high, 1, 4, 9, 16 with a total of
30 cannonballs. A device was needed to prevent the lower cannonballs from rolling
away. They resolved this problem by designing a small brass plate with rounded
indention's to hold each of the lower cannonballs, a “brass monkey” as they
were named. Brass was used because it wouldn’t rust. Now this solution wasn’t
without problems in itself, for when the temperature dropped, the brass would
shrink, causing the cannonballs to not fit in the indentations as well as was
designed. If the temperature became cold enough, the brass would shrink so much
as to let the bottom row of cannonballs roll off, causing the pyramid to come
crashing down to the deck, or as the old saying goes, it quite literally became
"cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey".

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